


Give and Take

by LadyZephyr



Category: Orphan Black (TV)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-15
Updated: 2017-12-16
Packaged: 2018-12-15 12:34:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 16,644
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11806098
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LadyZephyr/pseuds/LadyZephyr
Summary: 2ish years post-series. Cosima and Delphine rehash what Cosima thought was a long done conversation.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I felt the need to play around with this idea.

“Why are you still here?” Cosima quickly runs downstairs, looking at her kitchen table. “Do you want me to walk with you?”

“Cosima…” Charlotte rolls her eyes, “I’m fine.”

“Where’s Delphine… isn’t she usually like making you breakfast?” Cosima wonders aloud, she’d been hoping to scam some hot breakfast herself before running out to get groceries. Always something she had to be doing these days. Or it was all procrastination on finishing her dissertation.

“Delphine is crying again. “ Charlotte informs her matter-of-factly. “So no porridge today.”

“What? Seriously? “ Cosima sighs leaning back on her heels.

“I've got to get to school.” Charlotte picks up her bag. And moves towards the door. For such a sheltered child, she'd made great progress in independence. And, just kept adjusting to whatever was thrown at her.

“You'll be alright getting there on your own?” Cosima looks between her little sister, and up the stairs where she's aware Delphine is crying. Again.

“I'm used to taking public transit.” Charlotte reminds her, “And if anyone kicks my leg, I'll hit them with my bag.“

“OK kiddo… just new school, so be careful.”

“I'll be fine,” Charlotte rolls her eyes. At 12, she was developing more classic Leda attitude and Cosima… well she really didn't like it. But she couldn't exactly criticize either.

Cosima looked around her new kitchen, hard to believe it'd been two years since she and Delphine set out to cure all the Ledas… they'd married, bought a condo, took on guardianship of Charlotte, and finally gotten this house.

The semi in the Junction had set them back. But ultimately it was the right location. More space, central, and a backyard. They'd needed more room, she'd argued with Delphine. And she'd won, despite the fact her Parisian wife had been raised in luxurious European apartments. Turns out larger condos were typically not laid out as well in Toronto. Not made for families. Or clones starting to feel cramped. As much as Delphine had argued it was too big, more house than they needed, she’d yielded to Cosima’s American desires for larger living quarters.

It was really more space than they needed, the previous owners had added two extensions including, for some insane reason a fourth bedroom. She’d already reserved that space as her own office. Had to finish that PhD dissertation somewhere after all. The small mini-office near their master bedroom, would of course, be Delphine’s.

Although Cosima found herself missing the two bedroom condo as she leapt upstairs to deal with her wife. Stairs. Too many damn stairs.

“Delphine?” She calls quietly, gently tapping on the door. “Can I come in?”

“Non.” Delphine manages to get out between audible sobs.

Cosima opens the door anyway, spying Delphine leaning against the tub, wiping at her runny nose with toilet paper. She sits, cross legged near the door and opens her arms in invitation.

“What is it? Is it work?” Delphine had accepted a new position teaching at U of T a few months ago that had raised her stress levels. Department politics more than the work itself.

“No.”

“Is it Charlotte's burgeoning attitude problem?” Cosima wonders aloud, one Leda was probably plenty to live with. Two… well, Delphine was probably half-crazy to agree to it long term.

Delphine shakes her head wordlessly. “Just let me deal with this. I just need a few more minutes. “

“I guess I'll go work on the guest bedroom then?” Cosima offers kindly, “I'll get the storage out of there… I can start priming the walls too. I'll even paint it that light grey you want.”

At this, Delphine sobs harder clutching the mess of snotty toilet paper to her reddened tearstained face.

“Oh god…” Cosima exclaims, moving to immediately embrace Delphine, who doesn't resist and lets herself be pulled into comforting strong arms. “I got you. We're ok.” Cosima whispers softly, kissing her love's forehead.

“Cosima… “ Delphine pleads. Though whether she wants Cosima to hug her tighter, or leave her to cry remains a mystery.

“Now, tell me what's really going on?” Cosima urges. She doubts Delphine is cheating on her, but her mind plays with the idea for a split second before deciding it's ludicrous.

“I started my period.” Delphine attempts a final brush off. “This...this is hormonal.”

“Yes, and?” Cosima prompts. Delphine’s periods were so regular, and so easy compared to her own this means nothing. Her wife doesn't even do more than pop advil for a day in response.

Delphine lifts her head for a moment. Just enough to look into her eyes. “I still want a baby.”

Cosima blinks, unsure of how to respond. They'd been through this. Two years ago after Delphine had seen her struggle to hold one of Helena's sons. She'd told Delphine no, that she never wanted kids. Delphine had accepted it instantly. This was a done deal.

“Still?” Cosima repeats in a small voice. She tries in vain to remember details of that short awkward conversation, huddled close together on the GO train back into the city. But it seems so insignificant. Nothing was said that would have led her to believe Delphine would be crying over it two years later. She remembered the lovemaking that followed returning to their bed far more. How passionate Delphine was, how they'd lost themselves in each other yet again. Somehow that night stuck out against the frequent sex haze of that first year.

“It… it’s never really stopped completely. “ Delphine explains apologetically. “When we took in Charlotte, became her guardians, I thought that might be enough. And we have been a family. With all of your sisters here. It's been wonderful. And I just… I love you so much.” Delphine tears up again, the sobs resuming.

“Oh.” Cosima responds bluntly, her hands loosening of their own accord, even as Delphine buries her face in her neck.

“I never want you to feel that you are not enough for me.” Delphine lays a kiss on her neck. Voice levelling out and tears slowing. “Our relationship, our marriage, is the best thing in my life.”

“I'm happy I win over work?” Cosima tries a small joke, to no effect.

Delphine takes several deep breaths trying to calm herself. “I know you want to get the guestroom done for your parents. I know Sally and Gene want to visit you here… I know this is important to you. “

“It is...my mom and dad are like impossible to get a hold of like 80% of the time.” Cosima sighs. “But you don't want a guest bedroom, do you? You want… a nursery.”

“I keep thinking about it.” Delphine admits, “being pregnant, putting a bassinet in our room, painting the spare room yellow. You grinning as you feel our baby kick. Stupid mostly.”

“I mean… it's a fantasy.” Cosima acknowledges, accepting it. “Of having a baby, with me.”

“Yes,” Delphine nods. “And I know you can't get me pregnant. And we cannot science a child into existence without… causing effects in the gene pool. And I know...you don't want one. You don’t even want to hold one.” Delphine sniffs again, her nose dripping. “I don’t want to make you miserable.”

“That about sums it up…” Cosima whispers softly, kissing Delphine’s temple. “We just have this really great life….and you make me so so happy. “

“Good.” Delphine manages a teary smile, but it's genuine.

“But, you can't hide your feelings or bottle shit up just to try to protect me.” Cosima says finally, rubbing Delphine’s back. “You don't need to protect me from this. Especially not from this. You need to tell me.”

“I did.” Delphine chokes up. “Two years ago.”

“But...it hasn't changed… I really thought you'd changed your mind. “ Cosima looks intently at her. “I thought you were happy.”

“I am…” Delphine responds nearly panicked, grabbing her and pulling their mouths together firmly. She's kissed deeply, intently as Delphine tries to prove it.

“Oh…” Cosima gulps. Pushing herself at Delphine again, her tongue plays with Delphine’s, but she can still taste her tears. And warm hands caressing her body, pulling at her pyjamas have her naked in minutes.

“Je t’aime.” Delphine emphasizes. Pulling her up to stand, to move from the bathroom floor before things became any more heated.

All Cosima can think to do is grab the two dark pink towels from the bathroom door.

“Viens…” Delphine gives her hand a tug. “I need you now. I need to remind myself.”

Cosima glances towards the master bedroom, but instead pulls Delphine into the guest room to be. Several boxes sit in one corner while a tray, ready to be filled with primer lays under the window on the far wall. The ugly brown walls aside, it was a good room, once they got it painted and ready.

“Cosima… I am trying to take you to bed.” Delphine explains, her voice still thick.

“I know,” Cosima smiles. “But I want to take you in here. Besides the sheets on the bed are the light ones, remember? “

Delphine shakes her head, “this isn't about me, Cosima… I need to show you… “

“This is exactly about you.” Cosima retorts, untying the silk robe and tossing it behind her. “I love you so damn much. Delphine. More now than I did two years ago. We're so tied together.” Cosima continues as she lays the towels out on the floor before sinking back and opening her arms.

“I'm sorry.” Delphine apologizes as she sinks down on her lap, straddling her.

“I'm not running. I'm not leaving.” Cosima murmurs. “You need to tell me what you're feeling.”

“I have you.” Delphine responds, leaning in for another deep kiss. “I need you to be happy with me. I chose this.”

This conversation, Cosima realizes, as things become more and more heated, will have to wait until later.

“Diva cup or tampon?” Cosima asks even as she's reaching gently between them. They've had sex on Delphine’s period before, though never on day 1.

“Diva cup.” Delphine answers. The wetness gathered on her sex confirms the answer. She drags her fingers through the delicate folds, finishing by cupping over Delphine's sex, now so familiar to her. The wiry light brown hair. The smell of her.

“So beautiful.” Cosima breathes, dragging her love back in for another kiss.

“This is going to be messy.” Delphine warns, her tearstained face looking down at her. Staring at her as she kissed along a soft shoulder, a collarbone, as she sucks a nipple into her mouth and Delphine’s hips roll, coating her hand with her arousal.

“I want you inside.” Delphine whines.

“You want to take it out, or should I?” Cosima asks, her voice a whisper. Either way, the cup would have to come out. She’d already learned orgasm would break the seal and causing unfortunate leaking, the hard way.

“You do it.”

Her fingers find the silicone base of the cup easily squeezing to break the seal, before pulling it out onto the towel, they could clean it later.

Admittedly, Cosima adored how sensitive Delphine was on her cycles, how such gentle movements could yield pleasure for her.

“So good.” Delphine tells her, “I want you… I need to be with you.”

“You are with me.” Cosima assures

Her fingers enter Delphine quickly after that, she’d always loved this position, Delphine on her lap, hips rolling, lips clinging.

“Perfect.” Cosima mutters, increasing her pace steadily, remaining gentle but firm, intent on bringing Delphine to her peak quickly.

“Ohhh.” Delphine sighs, a low wordless sound following as she gets closer, clings tighter.

Finally her wife slumps onto her, kissing and crying as she clings. Crying, Cosima notes, was not Delphine’s usual during sex, unless she was fisting her. But she holds her anyway, letting Delphine sob.

“I love our life, Delphine.” Cosima tells her again. “It is so good.”

“Yes.” Delphine responds in a sob. “It is.”

**

“What now?” Delphine looks over at her from the mess they’ve made on the floor, arms still closed tightly around her.

“Now…?” Cosima sighs. “Now… we talk about it seriously. You having a baby… but… I am like terrified of babies. I am not good with them, Delphine. I’m not maternal. It’s not my thing.”

“But you are good with older kids.” Delphine reminds her gently. “Charlotte, Kira, … even Gemma and Maya. You get along with them well.”

“I know… but… like little A and D, they’re… terrifying.” Cosima whispers. “Last time we saw Helena, they ran around like screaming.” She grimaces, that is nothing she wants. Not the tantrums, or the crying or the screaming. Not sharing Delphine, _Delphine’s body_ , with the little brat for a year...or even two.

“They are two years old. And they were shrieking, they were playing, Cosima. Not crying.” Delphine finishes shortly. “That phase doesn’t last forever.”

“I know… but I am really not a baby person.”

“What if...it were our baby?” Delphine probes again. “Are you really willing to talk about it?”

“Yeah. Yeah, we can talk it out.” Cosima nods, wondering if she could let Delphine do that. She knows it’d involve a sperm bank and a fertility clinic, that doesn’t really bother her. But at the same time the idea fills her with dread.

“OK.” Delphine agrees, leaning into her body, kissing her mouth, softly this time. The little moan that emerges from her lover’s lips briefly causing arousal to bubble up again.

“I am not, you know, totally against discussing it.” Cosima offers, stroking Delphine’s hair. “Hypothetically, of course.

“You’re not?” Delphine lifts her head up hopefully.

She wonders briefly if they’ll end up in marital therapy over this. Surely marriages end over this kind of thing occasionally. But, not theirs. Cosima cannot imagine Delphine leaving her.

“Let’s… just shower and have breakfast. We can…talk more then.” Cosima offers.

“OK.” Delphine nods, “what about your turn?”

 

“In the shower.” Cosima lets herself smile at that, “come on b-” Cosima stops herself, that pet name seeming entirely inappropriate all of a sudden. “Come on, my love, let’s shower.”

She stands up, noting how her hand and thighs are stained red with Delphine’s blood, how both of their bodies are now smeared with it, and cannot bring herself to care. She simply picks up the cup and swishes her hips on the way to the bathroom.

“I… I really love you.” Delphine calls after her.

“I know.” Cosima says without turning back, turning on the water and setting the temperature. “Come here.”

Delphine quickly follows her, but instead of bathing, instead of washing the blood from her inner thighs, she collapses into her arms under the spray. “Mon amour.” Delphine asserts, giving her another needy kiss.

Cosima’s last thought as Delphine sinks quickly to her knees before her, is wondering if Delphine is trying to compensate her. Or...prevent rage? Or assuage fear?


	2. Chapter 2

Delphine looks over at her wife, huddled up on their bed. These past few days had been tense, almost too much. No matter how many times they had this conversation it didn’t change. It was painful. She felt terrible, Cosima felt terrible, there had been too many tears. And Charlotte… Charlotte was a clever child, she would notice the tension. If she hadn’t already.

“Are we talking again?” Delphine asks softly.

“So… let’s say we do this….thing. Hypothetically.” Cosima can’t even bring herself to say it aloud.

“We get pregnant.” Delphine substitutes, watching Cosima’s face for the grimace she knows is coming with those words.

“You get pregnant… I’m just sort of there in this fantasy.” Cosima breaks off into a tangent that breaks her heart in seconds. “Then what?"

“What do you think?” Delphine shakes her head sadly, “we have a child. We raise our child.”

Cosima lets out a long sigh, “so it’s the whole thing you want? Pregnancy, childbirth, breastfeeding, child rearing… the whole thing?”

“Yes.” Delphine answers quietly, tucking herself into bed, “come to bed now. I am tired of fighting.”

“Me too… it hurts.” Cosima admits slowly. “What if we do this, for you… and it just… it never feels right for me?”

“I don’t know.” Delphine answers in a very small voice. “I don’t want to make you miserable, Cosima. I tried… I tried to change my mind. I tried to get over this… and I will probably try again.”

“Oh god…. Let’s just go to bed, come here.” Cosima nudges herself forward, encouraging Delphine to spoon her from behind. Another affirmation of their connection. But the way she’s held, even as she falls asleep, feels like Delphine is holding on for dear life.

 

**

She wakes in the night to a flurry of kisses, to soft hands cupping her body in the dark.

“Delphine?” She calls sleepily. She doesn’t even bother looking at the clock, just reaches out for her wife. “What’s wrong?”

“I need you…” Delphine whimpers at her for the fourth time that week. “I need you.”

 

“Woah...ok.” Cosima acquiesces, she never thought these horribly emotional conversations would increase their weekly sex tally so drastically. Though in any case, she wasn’t expecting to be woken up at 4:42 am for frantic sex.

“Please. Please. Please.” Delphine chants in the near darkness. The slight blue glow from their clock radio the only light in the room.

Cosima finds herself hesitating as she gently strokes Delphine’s slick sex. She’s distracted by Delphine’s agile fingers already reaching to return the favour, by the deep kisses that Delphine will not stop. Does she want it like this again? Or should they do something else.

It’s probably her pausing that causes Delphine to break the silence again.

“You can use a toy...if you want…” Delphine offers, between intense kisses, groping needily at Cosima’s sex.

Even in her sleepy state, she doesn’t have to be asked twice. “Yes!” Cosima reaches under the bed, fumbling to open their toy box. She doesn’t even have to look, just lets her hand close around their purple feeldoe and yanks it up. Delphine has already retrieved the lube from the bedside table, the small bottle sitting next to her when she sits up.

She thinks briefly of grabbing the o-ring harness, but Delphine prefers gentle sex most of the time anyway. Cosima lubes the bulb and slips it in, looking at Delphine with a mischievous smirk.

 

“This okay, baby?” Cosima double-checks, they didn’t have that many toys. It was an occasional partaking at best, but that was compromise. Can Delphine even tell what she’s chosen to use in the dark?

“Yes…” Delphine pleads, rolling onto her back, her legs open and ready. “Please, Cosima.”

She climbs over her, thinking briefly of offering doggy-style, before thinking better of it. Cosima knows she usually goes down on Delphine first, but the needy hands are insistent. “What do you want...first?”

Delphine tugs at her shoulders again. “Please.”

 

“Hang on… Hang on…” Cosima applies lube in lieu of better foreplay, she slides in slowly, haltingly, trying to be as gentle as possible. She leans in to kiss Delphine once more in the dark, needing to keep their bodies close. To feel as much skin as possible against her own. She reminds herself to keep her muscles clenched around the bulb, using this toy always proved a little distracting. It wasn’t easy to keep in either… Cosima thinks with annoyance, maybe she should have flicked on the light to grab the harness after all.

She begins to move then, deep short thrusts, starting a rhythm she knows Delphine enjoys, one that will bring her beloved close to her peak. She looks at Delphine’s face for signs of surprise that there is no harness, but finds none, she’d realized what Cosima pulled from their toybox. Her reactions to thrusting with it give it away, if nothing else has.

“So wet.... So warm.” Cosima moans, attempting to heighten Delphine’s arousal. She knows her lover isn’t usually keen on toys, at least with this one Cosima receives some stimulation from it, something Delphine wants. They move fairly silently after that, her thrusting, Delphine’s hips rolling, her hands clutching at her body.

“Ça te plait?” Delphine murmurs back.

“Oh yes…” Cosima responds with another kiss, with another series of gentle thrusts, the rocking of their hips together becoming gradually more frantic. Delphine’s body is increasingly resistant to her movements, clutching the dildo in a vice grip. The thought brings another ragged cry from her own mouth. She knows she’s moaning as much as Delphine, that they are both getting close, but she needs Delphine to slip over first. She’s about to move a hand to better stimulate her lover, when she’s stopped.

“Come…” Delphine urges her, gripping tightly at her ass with both hands, “I want you to come, Cosima.”

“Oh…” Cosima moans, she thrusts again, and again, the silicone ridges gliding against her clit each time. The advantage of this particular toy, is that she often does.

“Je t’aime…” Delphine urges gently, moving one hand up to stroke her face as they continue, “Come for me… like this.”

“So hot.” Cosima’s mouth gapes open, she lets herself groan and roll her hips to orgasm. Maybe Delphine waking her up for late night sex wasn’t so bad after all. She lets out a long low groan, before falling silent, her walls contracting on the bulb then relaxing.

“Come in me.” Delphine sighs, watching her orgasm and shudder, thrusts stopping entirely for the time being. Arms close around Cosima, holding her tight to Delphine’s chest.

She begins to rock her hips gently, cautious of her own sensitivity against the surface of the toy and that it’s started to slip out, before she realizes what is going on. Cosima stops, a terrible thought in her mind.

“Are you… fantasizing that I could?” Cosima looks horrified for a moment, propping herself up on her elbows. Delphine never asked for toys, ever. She’d use them, when asked…

“Could what?” Delphine asks biting her lip, “could get me pregnant?”

“Is… is that what you’re thinking about?” Cosima pulls out, slowly but insistently, tossing the toy onto the floor with a thump. “Seriously?! You woke me up for this?”

“Does it matter?” Delphine answers, refusing to confirm or deny anything.

“We’ve… we’ve made love almost every day this week so far.” Cosima shakes her head, “and… you’re thinking about me knocking you up to get off?!”

“Cosima…” Delphine arm’s reach up for her again, pulling her back in against her chest, “Cosima, you are enough.” She kisses her forehead, and tries to soothe her with her words.

“This is too much.” Cosima shakes her head angrily, “you can’t be bringing this into our sex life. It’s not fair.”

Delphine chokes up, “I’m sorry.”

**

It is a harmless fantasy, Delphine wants to argue. It's not hurting anyone. It doesn't affect reality in anyway, and Cosima should simply let her have it without this kind of fuss.

She liked to imagine it sometimes, despite how impossible it was, and how silly she usually felt afterwards.

Cosima lies next to her, looking incredibly hurt, and she realizes for the first time that her fantasy may cause harm after all. To Cosima. Cosima’s heart.

“Do… Do you want a man?” Cosima asks softly.

“Non. Non… of course not. I want you.” Delphine responds vehemently, hands reaching out for Cosima. Hands she knows her lover will shrug off in anger.

“Maybe,” Cosima swallows, looking up at the ceiling. “Maybe I should go spend the weekend at Sarah’s. Just to get some space from this.”

Delphine nods. “If… if that is what you need to do.” But she tears up regardless, Cosima gone, if only for a couple days, is the last thing she ever wanted. It is a result to this problem she could never tolerate.

The next morning, they try to be normal. Delphine prepares breakfast for her and Charlotte, tries to stifle her tears, but it’s clear the girl is aware of the tension between her guardians. How could she not be?

Charlotte eyes them cautiously. The bag over her shoulder is suspicious. She can count on one hand the nights she and Delphine have spent apart in the last two years. And she doesn’t even want to go.

“OK. You’re scaring me.” Charlotte looks between her guardians, suddenly looking younger than her 12 years. “What is going on?”

“Yeah… So I am going to stay with Sarah for a weekend… and then I’ll be back. But you can stay here with Delphine in the house.” Cosima explains nervously. She knows Charlotte’s expressions too well, she knows that the kid isn’t buying it.

“What is wrong with you two? This week has been weird!” Charlotte exclaims. “First, Delphine was crying all the time, then you were cranky, then Delphine is blasting ‘I guess that’s why they call it the blues’ all morning whenever she thought I wasn’t paying attention.”

“It’s nothing, Charlotte.” Delphine assures their charge. “I… Cosima and I need a little space from each other.”

 

“And this house isn’t big enough?” Charlotte reminds them. “This never happened in the condo… not once… you’d send me there maybe… but not each other. Are you getting divorced?”

 

“And that’s enough of that.” Cosima swings her bag over her shoulder. “I love you… I love you both, I’ll see you in a couple days.”

“Bye.” Delphine calls sadly after her.

She swings the door shut behind her, not wanting to hear the conversation she knows Charlotte will be having with Delphine. How to deal with this at all?


	3. Chapter 3

“What is going on?” Charlotte demands, jumping to her feet. She sways for a moment, until regaining her balance.

“Eat your breakfast.” Delphine urges, placing a bowl of oatmeal cooked with frozen fruit in front of her.

“Cosima left!” Charlotte exclaims loudly. “How are you so calm?!” 

“For a night, or two. She’ll be back.” Delphine tries to reassure the child. “Eat your breakfast, Charlotte. We are going to be late.” Some Leda traits, Delphine knew well, were trickier to live with than others. Though Charlotte’s impulsivity wasn’t nearly as bad as Cosima’s.

“Who is going to take me to swimming lessons after school?” Charlotte glances around for the clock.

“I will.” Delphine reiterates. It was typically Cosima’s task, but she was happy to fill in.

She manages to rush Charlotte out the door to school, just in time to join the subway rush hour to campus for her office hours.

Delphine grades papers, trying to think about everything and anything else. Hoping desperately that Elise the pregnant grad student does not waddle down her office hallway today. She doesn’t think she can take it. The jealousy she constantly feels looking at the younger woman was… inappropriate.

Delphine sighs, thinking back to the early morning, to Cosima moving in her, smiling and groaning in the dark. She’d chosen to indulge fantasy rather than chase orgasm, maybe it had been a mistake. She could have just let Cosima get her off. Just had a ‘normal’ encounter.

She rushes from the university to the alternative elementary school where they have Charlotte enrolled. Delphine watches for a moment, Charlotte gesturing and talking with what she assumes are new friends, despite her limping gait reminding her so much of Cosima a moment.

“Charlotte.” Delphine calls out, waving the girl over.

“Who’s that?” One of the other girls asks, “that’s not your mom.”

Charlotte lets out a sigh, “Cosima is my big sister, not my mom. That’s Delphine, Cosima’s wife.”

 

“Your sister has a wife?” Another child perks up, curiosity, Delphine assumes. Perhaps Charlotte hasn’t given them the edited ‘school-approved’ version of their family structure yet. All they’d ever told any schools, was that they had custody of Cosima’s little sister. It hadn’t been a problem. Other than occasionally schools wondering who the heck she was, while Cosima, waltzed right in, and was often accidentally called ‘mom’.

She waves her over again. “Charlotte, we’re going to be late.”

“I gotta go.” Charlotte excuses herself, “Bye!”

“Do you like the school?” Delphine asks when they’ve gotten just far enough away.

“I think so.” Charlotte responds thoughtfully. “Not a good year to change schools though. These kids, they’ve all known each other for ages.”

“I’m sorry.” Delphine apologizes, “the other school was too far.”

 

“I know.” Charlotte nods, “you warned me before the move that might happen.”

“I have your swim bag.” Delphine holds it up, she reaches for Charlotte when they cross the street before thinking better of it. Charlotte was 12, of course she wouldn’t want to be babied.

“Can we get takeout for dinner?”

Delphine nods, “we’ll pick up something. And then, we’ll watch a netflix movie?”

“OK.” Charlotte seems to want to let this go for now.

Charlotte gets into the pool shortly after arriving, it had been her idea initially. Enrolling Charlotte in swim classes, a low impact exercise that could help to further the strength in both her legs. But the child took to it pretty well.

She glances around, she sees several teenagers who are no doubt competitive swimmers, and what looks like a mom and tot swim class breaking up. The tiny little faces, the wet hair, the frazzled tired parents. Delphine cannot help but smile at them. The image comes easily to her mind, she and Cosima, taking their baby. A child that would in all likelihood, never exist. But the fantasy remains.

 _Baby fever_. The term seems silly, but Delphine supposes it was becoming more and more accurate. It had hit her for the first time with Cosima a little over two years ago, and it was only getting worse.

 

**

She heads straight for Sarah’s, via public transit. Somehow she manages to avoid talking about why she’s wanting to stay in the guest room until she’s at the door.

“Hey.” She knocks

“Kira’s at school.” Sarah informs her, “come in, it’s fine.” She drops her stuff near the door and follows Sarah to sit on the couch.

“Things got… hard.” Cosima explains, “but it’s just for two nights. I want to be back home on Sunday.”

“Right… so what did Delphine do?” Sarah asks, drumming her fingers on her leg.

“Before or after she started fantasizing during sex that I could get her pregnant?” Cosima responds with a grimace.

Sarah’s laughter was not the response she was expecting. Her sister howls with laughter, body jerking awkwardly on the couch.

“Shit.” Sarah continues to giggle. “So Delphine wants a kid?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“And you… you really don’t.”

“That about sums it up. You know, we’ve been through this. I’m not maternal.”

 

“I know…” Sarah tries to quell her laughter slightly, “last time we were at Alison’s, when Arthur ran up to you and reached his arms up, you just stared.”

“How was I supposed to know he wanted me to pick him up?” Cosima exclaims. “I don’t know anything about babies. And even when they try to talk I don’t understand what the heck they’re saying.”

“This,” Sarah laughs again demonstrating with her own arms, “is classic toddler for pick me up.”

“Kira used to do that too, huh?” Cosima surmises.

“Kira. Yup. Gemma too, I’m sure. But you’ll have to ask Alison.” Sarah sprawls back on her couch.

Cosima sighs, stretching her arms up above her head. “I mean, I know that I am a good auntie with Kira, but she was what? Eight when I met her?”

“Something like that.” Sarah nods. “So, don’t have kids. Easy.”

“But then,” Cosima throws her arms up in frustration. “Delphine won’t have them, and she wants them. I am not sure what the appeal is with babies.”

“Small. Cute. Tiny feet.” Sarah shrugs and smiles, “I could dig out pictures of Kira at that age. There’s one S took of the two of us right after I had her. God, she was the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen.”

“So you’re exhausted, drugged up and sweaty?” Cosima posits a theory.

“Sort of.” Sarah shrugs, “I had gas and air, with midwives in the hospital. You know, we were from London, that was the normal there. And the norm to S, so I tried that first. It went well… I think.”

“But… you wanted a baby?”

Sarah stands, pacing towards the kitchen, “Not until I was already pregnant.”

“But what if I say, yeah Delphine, I really love you, so go on and get knocked up and then it just never changes? What if I never love the kid? Or can’t bond with it? I don’t like babies.” Cosima reiterates.

“Do you really think that?” Sarah asks thoughtfully, “Do you think you’d need biology to bond with your kid?”

“Dude… you didn’t have to look in my parents’ eyes when I broke the news that I wasn’t really theirs. I literally crushed their souls.” Cosima shudders, “do you have any beer?”

“Yeah.” Sarah wanders to the fridge, plucking out two cans before coming back and handing one to her.

She opens the can, some new Canadian craft brewery that Sarah was getting into these days. The beer, at least, was decent.

“How are you? Things going okay?”

“Yeah. Still tending bar. Still taking college courses.” Sarah shrugs. “Makes Kira proud of me, but I have no idea what I am doing.”

 

“None of us do.” Cosima take a swig from the can. “Still want to open a bar?”

“Yes. I know a good bar. And … with any luck, Felix will back me, and Alison will back me, and as soon as Kira is in highschool, I’m doing it.” Sarah grins. “And stupid rich kids will pay out the nose for craft beer on tap. And we’ll have good music. Maybe I should make craft beer, I could probably make a shit ton of money off rich idiots.”

“When she’s old enough to stay home alone, you mean.” Cosima sighs, “isn’t she old enough now?”

“Kind of.” Sarah agrees. “So back to you and Delphine. Do you dislike little kids? Do you just not want any? Or are you scared?”

“I am not even sure anymore.” Cosima sighs. “You know, before we even thought about getting married Delphine brought up having a kid. I said no, I don’t want any. She agreed. That should have been the end of it.”

“Except you’re forgetting what Delphine will do for you. What we’ve seen her do... “ Sarah trails of. “She probably thought she’d get over it.”

“Dude, I was reluctant to take in Charlotte! She asked us twice before Delphine said yes, and told me I was running out of excuses and should take on my sister. But Charlotte was already ten. Like, we hit up science centres and museums, we took her to Disney World, and France. Like… we have fun. And Charlotte is a cool kid. Still loves geology. Her rock collection is getting a bit bigger than we’d like though.” Cosima breaks off in laugh. “I got her this geode last Christmas and it’s… it’s getting scary in her room.”

“So… you can handle an older kid fine, clearly.” Sarah continues, “so could you have another one?”

“It’d be a tiny screaming baby.” Cosima grimaces. “It’d emerge from Delphine, and scream, and poop. And I wouldn’t have a clue what the kid wanted until it learned how to talk. And they’re so small. How do you not hurt them?”

“Kira wanted to be fed, and held. That was it for a few months.” Sarah summarizes.

“But I am Charlotte’s sister. I mean, Delphine and I are her guardians, and I guess we’re sort of like her parents now. But I’m not her mom.”

“But you’re raising her. Doing the best you can.” Sarah argues, “parenting.”

“I’m late getting her to swimming class almost every week.” Cosima admits, “Charlotte is getting the Leda attitude, I’ve yelled at her a few times. But honestly? I was way worse at her age. I think Delphine is a good influence on her. She’s much better than us at keeping a cooler head.”

“I wouldn’t worry about it Cos,” Sarah soothes her. “It’s pretty clear that Delphine would do just about anything for you. You don’t want a kid? Delphine’s not going to push for it. Just let this blow over.”

“That’s definitely the easier option.” Cosima agrees. “For me.”

“Then you can do that. Or… you can try to make your wife happy, and let Delphine have her way on this one. Infancy doesn’t last forever.” Sarah shrugs. “And I think you’d be fine with an older kid.”

“Yeah... “ Cosima sighs. “It’s just not an easy call. At all.”

“If it were, you wouldn’t be taking it seriously.” Sarah offers wisely. “Come up. Let’s get some food started or something. Kira will be home in an hour with Felix, and I might as well try to have something for them. We can’t live off pizza.”

“True.” Cosima nods, trying to put the conversation behind her.

 

**

Cosima arrives home late Sunday night. But it looks the same, she feels the same coming home, hearing Delphine’s voice greeting her. The same smell of their home. She’s not sure what she was expecting,

“How was the weekend?” Cosima looks from Charlotte, lost in a book on the couch to Delphine doing marking at the kitchen table.

“Fine.” Charlotte answers.

“Just fine?”

“It was good.” Delphine replies. “Charlotte and I took a bike ride yesterday, stopped at a café, got some things done around the house.”

“Shit… the guest room.” Cosima remembers in a brief twinge of regret. “Sorry, I was supposed to do that this weekend.”

“Why don’t you go take a look at it?” Delphine suggests. Charlotte merely giggles into her book, before returning to the semi-silent treatment she was giving her.

“I’m tired.” Cosima complains.

“Sarah wore you out?”

 

“And Kira. And Felix was there this weekend… it was… kind of crazy.” Cosima glosses over the details. Some things, were better left unsaid.

“Are you hungover?” Delphine scrutinizes her briefly.

Cosima smirks, tilting her head. “Maybe a little.”

She reaches the second floor, and for a moment looks longingly at the stairs up to the converted attic, their master suite. All she wants to do is collapse next to Delphine. Have some semblance of normal before the fights resume.

Instead she sighs, obeying Delphine’s insistent gesturing towards the door to the guest room.

She flicks on the light, peering inside. Blinking several times to be sure of what she’s seeing.

“It’s done. “ Cosima remarks in shock.. The guest room's walls are now a light grey. The boxes cleared out, and everything put away, minus the tape on the baseboards.

“And the furniture is ordered.” Delphine adds, “Queen sized bed, night tables, small chest of drawers. “

“I love you. “ Cosima finishes simply.

“Charlotte helped.” Delphine smiles, “she’s actually quite good with a paint roller.”

“You guys did a great job.” A sense of relief floods over her, this fight, Cosima thinks happily, is over.

“And you didn’t even have to paint.” Charlotte shouts up the stairs as she thumps her way up.

“No, thank you so much.” Cosima leans in for a quick kiss, before moving to gather her little sister into her arms. “It’s a great surprise.”

“It should be ready for visitors by next month.” Delphine smiles again, “I know your parents said October.”

“October… could be November knowing them. But thank you.” Cosima repeats, “this means a lot to me.”

“I know, mon amour,” Delphine drops her voice lower, “I know.”


	4. Chapter 4

“Delphine, you don’t have to be so tense.” Cosima exclaims, finally getting herself dressed after twenty minutes of excuses and prodding.

“Charlotte’s teacher asked to meet with us. Before parent-teacher interviews. Something is going on.” Delphine readies herself putting in her earrings. She glances over at Cosima, who is still barely dressed.

“You think she’s being bullied?” Cosima suggests. “It could be anything.”

Delphine nods, completely solemn. “Yes. Charlotte is 12, we made her change schools when we moved, and her leg…”

“We put her in another alternative school with a social justice bent to avoid bullying. Plus better curriculum.” Cosima reminds her. “Remember you wanted her in that private international school…”

“I remember, I thought if we ever moved to France, it would be an easier adjustment. And her last school… it went well, but she was ten when we enrolled her. Now she’s 12, girls at this age… they are not kind, Cosima.” Delphine knows she may let her own experiences colour her perceptions, but for the hundredth time she regrets moving. Charlotte had been fine with being a ‘condo-kid’, they’d been happy in their two bedroom, she’d adjusted to school, both she and Cosima had been closer to work, closer to everything. There hadn’t been extra space, sure, her fantasy of having a child had still existed, but practically, it wouldn’t have been feasible.

“But we’re not moving to France.” Cosima reminds her, “and those rich kids would pick on Charlotte worse. Probably. Money can’t buy class. I mean Marion had her homeschooled and tutored!”

“I know. But we have to deal with this.” Delphine sighs, “and we both need to be at the school in less than 20 minutes.”

“I’m trying to hurry.” Cosima offers, tugging on her leggings. “I’ve had a busy day. I was skyping one of my advisors for like three hours.”

It takes another ten minutes to get Cosima out of the door, and by then they are running late.

Charlotte sits outside the door. She merely shrugs at them, looking like a small imp. Delphine sighs, and walks through into the classroom. They can deal with Charlotte later.

“Mrs Niehaus, Ms. Cormier,” the teacher greets them, a small woman with dark curly hair, “I’m Mrs. D’Angelo, Charlotte’s teacher.”

“Yes, we spoke on the phone.” Delphine offers her hand for a handshake before sitting down opposite the teacher’s desk, Cosima shadowing her immediately.

“Just to make things clear, Cosima is Charlotte’s sister?” The teacher checks again looking between the two of them, “there is quite the resemblance.”

“We know, it’s pretty funny.” Cosima offers casually, not bothering to elaborate. “I’m Charlotte’s sister, Delphine is my wife. I am sure it’s on the file somewhere.”

“Charlotte is my only student with guardians instead of parents, it was definitely in the notes,” Mrs, D’Angelo continues, “and… in addition, having gay guardians, and a disability…”

“What do you mean by that?” All of Cosima’s mirth seems to instantly evaporate.

Delphine thinks of speaking up, but she is secondary, Cosima is Charlotte’s sister, they look alike and so she sits back. This is Cosima’s fight to handle. For now.

“I mean there are a few ...strikes against Charlotte in the social world. Now, she’s not the only student at High Park Alternative with two moms, we have a few two mom families.” The teacher stops, “but she has been having social issues.”

“Let me guess, some kid kicked her leg so she swung her bag at him?” Cosima tilts her head. This wasn’t the first time Charlotte had struck back, verbally or otherwise. She was, after all, a Leda.

The teacher’s eyes widen. “Yes, actually. Also, students have been teasing her that you are her mother, not her sister. Charlotte… seems to find this distressing.”

“Why is Charlotte in trouble if a boy is harassing her?” Delphine speaks up suddenly. “I don’t think she should get in trouble for defending herself.”

“For the most part, I’d say she’s adjusting. Coming into grade seven in a new school isn’t ideal, and we have a few students who… aren’t the most welcoming. But that behaviour is really frowned upon. Charlotte is making friends with a couple other girls. There are things that are going well for her too. She’s a good student.”

“Is there anything else?” Delphine prods, she needs to know. They both need to know.

“Is there a lot of stress at home?” Mrs. D’Angelo looks between them, “Charlotte has been tense the last couple weeks, and it was mentioned that Cosima left for a few days. You understand that this is very upsetting for a child if their guardians split up. In addition, her sister leaving her behind, it’s been a tense situation here and you need to address your separation with your sister head on.”

“What? No!” Cosima exclaims shaking her head frantically, hands waving in emphasis. “We are not splitting up. That is not happening.”

“We’re not getting divorced,” Delphine confirms, more calmly than her wife. “It … it was a tense weekend. But it had nothing to do with Charlotte, and now… things are fine.”

 

“Much better.” Cosima agrees. “We’re literally planning our next family vacation for over Christmas. Like… Charlotte is going to be pretty excited when we tell her.”

“After Halloween.” Delphine reminds her wife dryly, remembering all too well how the promise of going to Disneyworld had excited the child so much she’d barely slept for an entire month.

“Well that is good, but please, if there are… transitions in your living situation - please let me know. We have to work together for what is best for Charlotte.”

 

The rest of the meeting proceeds as normal, a description of the incident, inquiries into Charlotte’s progress at school. Nothing too out of the ordinary. Nothing crazy.

When they stand to leave, they shake hands again.

“No more violence.” Cosima tells her little sister simply upon exiting the class.

“Charlotte, we need to talk.” Delphine says simply, guiding the young girl out of the door.

“Am I in trouble?”

“No. Not for hitting back.” Cosima tells her, “I mean, I am the one who said hit them back if they won’t listen to words.”

“Sarah said it first.” Charlotte corrects her. “Art too.”  
“Yeah you have a lot of people who care about you.” Cosima says reassuringly. “If other kids are being little dicks about you living with your lesbian sister, or your leg, or anything… please tell us.”

“We can help.” Delphine offers, thought she wonders what will happen as Charlotte ages. Will she be some variety of queer like a small but sizeable minority of the Ledas? Will that add to her problems?

“Are you just...bored? I was bored in school.” Cosima offers an out, as they make the long walk home, slowing down to allow Charlotte to keep up. “I am pretty sure Delphine was bored in school too.”

 

“One of the boys called me a dyke.” Charlotte shrugs, “but most of the kids don’t care about that. They asked about my parents. I refused to answer… like I am supposed to. After saying that they’re dead.”

“Good.” Delphine nods, that is safer, for all of them. And will provide a more normal childhood and adolescence, something they both want for Charlotte. They’d changed her surname to Niehaus so she’d match Cosima, to avoid questions, she was the one of the three of them that stood out.

“Why are you two fighting so much?” Charlotte looks between them.

“It’s complicated.” Cosima sighs, just as Delphine wonders if they should tell Charlotte the truth. That she wants a baby and Cosima...doesn’t.

“Ugh.” Charlotte groans rolling her eyes, “that is a terrible answer.”

“It is.” Delphine agrees, “but ...it’s just a disagreement. It’s nothing that could split us up.” She promises, pressing a soft hand to a small shoulder. Looking into eyes that remind her, at times, so much of her love’s. But Charlotte is all Charlotte.

**

Cosima sips her beer casually, she watches the scene unfold around her. Halloween was total chaos, Charlotte had decided to trick-or-treat with Gemma, and the girls were probably several blocks away scouring as much candy as they could. Oscar was playing video games in the basement to Donnie’s irritation as he answered the door yet again, to increasingly older children as he worried about the girls.

Alison’s crafting had returned, covering much of the front of the house, as she yammered on about the local high school, and Oscar’s small role in the play, and how big Helena’s boys were getting as Helena herself made her way through the small pile of Halloween candy her boys had brought in from going up and down the street in their tiny costumes.

But her eyes remain fixed on Delphine. Her Delphine, crouched on the floor with two toddlers who were previously dressed as a tiny lion and a small cow.

Delphine grins at her nephews, happily playing with them down on the floor.

“Good… she is good with babies.” Helena comments, surveying her little boys. “Little Arthur-Purple, Little Donnie-Orange, they like her.”

“I guess?” Cosima shifts on her chair, and smiles and when Donnie Junior runs up to her and hands her a stick. “Thank you, DJ.”

“Everyone call him DJ. I do not like this. His name is Donnie. Donnie-Orange.” Helena tries to correct the nickname, to quell it but it’s far too late.

“That’s what happens when you name your children after family members.” Alison interrupts. “Nicknames.” Alison had started calling the little one DJ almost immediately after she’d learned of his name.

Privately, Cosima thought DJ was better than being called Donnie. Not that it mattered much. The boys were tiny people, difficult to understand and prone to frequent tears as well as sharp squeals of laughter.

“Why not Arthur?” Helena wonders allowed.

“Because Art goes by Art…” Alison brushes her off as if it’s the most natural thing in the world.

“Oooh! Thank you!” Delphine grins at Arthur as he hands her a tiny pumpkin. “Merci.”

She is good with them, Cosima admits, watching Delphine’s delight. This had been something Delphine had asked her for, more time with their nephews, and she’d obliged. Even Charlotte had taken an interest in the boys.

“Moo!” Arthur shouts loudly. “Moo cow!”

It’s almost adorable, watching Delphine sweep him up into her arms, watching her tickle him. Even as DJ runs to his mama, hoping for the same treatment, Helena of course obliges. The boys have already learned that Auntie Cosima is not as much fun as Auntie Delphine, though hopefully as they get older that will change. She’s sure eventually she’ll be fun to them. Once she can understand what the hell they are saying.

“My little lion boy.” Helena says happily ruffling her son’s shaggy light brown curls. “My little moo cow.” She calls to Arthur, who slithers out of Delphine’s arms to run to his mama. “It is time to go sleep.”

“We’re back!” Gemma calls from the door. A large bag of candy swinging from her hand. Charlotte’s bride-of-Frankenstein costume had frightened the littles, so she stays back near the door.

“We got lots of candy.” Charlotte announces, “another good haul!”

“Good… it’s about time for us to be getting home.” Delphine stands up, brushing the debris from her clothes.

“Already?” Charlotte whines.

“You’re late kiddo.” Cosima agrees with Delphine, “we said back before nine, and it’s … too close to ten.”

“Gemma go wash up.” Alison instructs, “your dad will inspect your candy. Go…” She urges her youngest up the stairs. It was hard to believe Gemma was nearly ten. Where had the time gone? Cosima wonders to herself, looking at the confident young girl sassing Alison on her way up the stairs.

“We need to go too,” Delphine reminds Cosima, their little car waiting for them. “It is still a school night.”

She wonders why she feels so bad, Delphine seems content enough, and Charlotte retelling the more elaborate displays she’s spotted in Bailey Down’s.

It’s not until she’s crawling into bed next to a yawning Delphine she thinks of it again. How happy her wife is with little kids. She’s not sure she understands why, but it doesn’t matter. Could she put up with an infant and toddler for a few years? If it makes Delphine happier in the long run? Could she try to bond? Should she? Should they even dig up this argument again? Is it better laid to rest?

“Delphine?” Cosima looks over to Delphine’s face, restful on the pillow.

“Yes?” Delphine turns, reaching out to spoon her close, as is their habit.

She swallows audibly before continuing. “Do you still want to have a baby?”


	5. Chapter 5

“Cosima…” Delphine breathes out shaking her head, expression shifting in minutes from relaxation to concern. Why is her wife bringing this up now? She’d made the decision to keep her little fantasies to herself, to concentrate on her marriage, her career, and raising Charlotte.

“Do you?” Cosima pushes further.

She shakes her head sadly. “Mon amour…” She pulls Cosima in to kiss softly, laying gentle kisses on her face.

Cosima softens beneath her mouth, tension seeping from her body as she sinks back into their mattress.

“I want you.” Delphine reiterates for the dozenth time that month. “I want a life with you, more than anything. I told you.” She croons down at Cosima, trying to reassure her.

“We have a life together,” Cosima responds slowly, “and I am not going anywhere. And… neither is Charlotte. We already have a family life that… well I never thought I wanted.”

Delphine nods. “I know, and it has been wonderful.” She remembers all too well the day she told Cosima that they weren’t going to make Charlotte ask to live with them a third time when they had a second bedroom. She remembers Cosima’s initial protests and her eventual weighing out of the situation. But now, now that scarcely mattered. But this, bringing a tiny helpless infant into their lives, was fundamentally different.

“I want you to have it.” Cosima tells her firmly, never bringing her own feelings into play. At least, not this time.

“Are you… are you sure?” Delphine holds her close, looking intently into her eyes. “If we do this… it cannot be undone.”

“I know that. I … I want you to have a baby.” Cosima responds, obviously trying to keep her fear out of her voice. “I love you so much, and I know how much you want this. I mean, we at least have to like consider it.”

Delphine radiates concern. “But… what about you?”

“I have you… and infancy doesn’t last forever as I have been reminded several times. I mean, once the kid is four or five years old… I think it’ll actually be pretty great.” Cosima reasons out to herself. A child certainly wasn't as scary as a baby.

“Thank you.” Delphine leans in for a long deep kiss. “Thank you.” She repeats into Cosima’s mouth.

It’s not a guarantee, Delphine knows well, but at least Cosima is open to seriously discussing it. She moves over her wife instead, her gratitude and affection morphing into something else, as she makes love to Cosima with slow deep touches. As if she can pour her own desire into her slowly.

Cosima writhes beneath her touch, buries her face into her neck, allowing Delphine to have her way with her.

“Ma belle Cosima.” Delphine whispers at her, moving her mouth to her lover’s neck, trying to draw out more pleasure, to excite Cosima. If not, at the prospect of having a child together, than by her touch. She paints a line with her tongue, from the arch of Cosima’s clavicle to her nipple, littering her beloved’s body with open mouthed kisses. She sucks hungrily at her, trying to emphasize passion over gratitude, enjoying the little sounds that emerge from Cosima’s parted lips.

Cosima relaxes into her touch, ruts her hips into her hand as it delves between her legs intent on drawing out a slow orgasm. She strokes the wetness, pleased at the abundance, before sliding in and setting a rhythm she knows they both enjoy. Sweet and slow.

“Belle.” Delphine repeats, grinning as Cosima’s hands move to cling to her. “I love doing this.”

“Still?” Cosima teases, but she can tell that she’s getting closer.

“Mmmm.” Delphine affirms, redoubling her efforts, her whole body moving and writhing, as she works to bring Cosima to her peak. Little moans the soundtrack to their lovemaking, Cosima shuddering beneath her, clenching on her fingers before letting go.

Her wife’s orgasm pleases her, as per usual, a rather tired satisfaction coming over her as she draws Cosima in to cuddle.

“Don’t you want anything?” Cosima asks softly, leaning over her tired body.

Delphine shakes her head. “Non.” Surely, they’d both do better on more sleep. Especially as tomorrow is a work and school day. The other concern, that she is typically _louder_ than Cosima and may wake Charlotte, is always running in the back of her head. As far as she knew, she never had. But perhaps the child was too embarrassed to ask them to quiet down.

“Are you sure?” Cosima props herself up.

“Yeah. I am happy enough.” Delphine grins at her, but Cosima leans in to kiss her regardless working her lips down her body in a way that makes her know immediately, Cosima _wants_ her to make noise. To cry out, to cling to her dreads with shaking hands.

Cosima’s tongue teases along her labia, before flicking delicately at her clit, and she gives herself over to the pleasure, to Cosima. At least for now, Delphine thinks greedily, as she rucks herself up against Cosima’s mouth.

 

**

Delphine wakes, naked, next to her sleeping, drooling wife and can hardly believe it. Cosima had agreed. Though now she wonders, did Cosima mean it? Would this end in disaster? Would they get halfway through an RE appointment and Cosima would change her mind?

Halfway to the kitchen, she changes her mind, yanking a bag of frozen blueberries from the freezer, and rummaging for flour and eggs. Pancakes, she thinks, would be a suitable breakfast for today.

She’s finished four decent looking pancakes, when she’s interrupted.

“Pancakes?” A young voice calls out.

“Yes.” Delphine responds clearly.

“It’s not a weekend!” Charlotte exclaims, plodding her way down the stairs. “You never make pancakes on a weekday.”

“Do you want some?” Delphine plates two of them, passing the plate to Charlotte, and pointing the girl towards the already set table.

“Yes!” Charlotte agrees.

They talk about Halloween, and their nephews’ antics, and school, this part, Delphine thinks, this part they will both be good at.

It’s easier, Delphine stifles a grin at the thought, to get Charlotte out the door. Less than 20 minutes, and she’s gone to school.

“Cosima!” She hollers up the stairs, “get up already.” Delphine knows she could leave pancakes out for Cosima, but she’d rather get a chance to talk to her. To ensure Cosima is serious before she starts calling doctors.

She’s answered, either by a hum or a moan, either way, she flicks off the stove and chooses eats her own breakfast. No sense letting Cosima’s breakfast get cold.

Delphine returns to cooking when she hears the shower turn on, knowing that Cosima will be down shortly, likely cursing for being late.

“Sorry… fuck it’s getting late.” Cosima glances at the mircowave clock. “How late were were up last night…. I think we overdid it.”

“No. It was good.” Delphine assures her wife.

“Ah, but you were up at the normal time, and made pancakes.”

“Oui.” Even tired, she was much better at getting up and functioning in the morning than Cosima.

“Yeah. Thank you.” Cosima says, reaching for her plate of three pancakes.

“So, I’ll call the doctor and get a referral?” Delphine asks Cosima without turning around. She knows her so well now, her rhythms, her footsteps. It makes her smile at the thought.

“Referral?” Cosima blanks, even as her wife kisses the corner of her mouth and returns to making her final pancake.

“To the fertility clinic.” Delphine clarifies. “We need to see a reproductive endocrinologist. Get tests. Go through the process…. Unless,” Delphine stops herself, “unless you want to try to get me pregnant another way. We could… attempt something more unconventional.” She’s not against it herself, it has been done in mice after all. But using a fairly untested technique to create a human embryo for their own use, was likely unwise.

“Unconventional… like the mice bone marrow babies?” Cosima catches her drift immediately.

“Would you want that?” Delphine asks. Truly, if she could guarantee a healthy infant, she’d prefer it that way. A baby from both herself and Cosima. More realistically, she knows they’ll likely use a sperm donor.

“No… we’re not experimenting on a baby.” Cosima shakes her head, “it’s not well tested, there’s nothing done in humans. No… we can’t. It could be decades before anyone has tested the technique.”  
“I know… so we’ll go to a fertility clinic.” Delphine nods, she could accept this. As long as Cosima was in.

“Oh god…” Cosima shakes her head, taking a large forkful of fluffy pancake doused in maple syrup. “So… real.”

“Unless… unless you didn’t mean it.” Delphine acknowledges quietly.

Cosima shuts her down immediately. “No… call the doctor. Get the referral. We’ll at least get your tests done.”

“Do you want this?” Delphine asks quietly. “Is this what you really want?”

 

Cosima snorts softly, putting her fork down to reach for her hand. “I want you.”

 

“And…?” Delphine prompts, her hope fading away.

“I want you to have this.” Cosima tells her firmly, “at least get the tests done. Then, we’ll know…. More.”

“Alright. I will.” Delphine agrees, leaning down to kiss Cosima’s hand, drawing her tongue across her lover’s knuckles.


	6. Chapter 6

“Are you alright?” The doctor looks across his desk. Of course the RE was male, Delphine had insisted it didn’t matter. She’d still wanted a female one. The referral had taken three months, in which she had analyzed her decision to let Delphine proceed over and over again. Delphine for her part, had offered to cancel their appointment twice.

“I am fine.” Cosima insists, Delphine looking over at her in concern.

“Our policy is to test both partners.” Dr. Gammon continues, but for a moment all Cosima can think of is the light reflecting off his balding head. “So, we’ll be booking you both in for bloodwork, pelvic ultrasounds. The nurses will call you to schedule you in. And then we’ll have you both back to go over results, and we will go from there.”

“Oh no…. Delphine is going to carry.” Cosima pipes up for the second time in the last half hour, “I have problems… and it’s definitely only Delphine you need to test.”

 

“Very well.” He agrees, embarking again on the clinic’s process. “So, my secretary will schedule testing for Delphine, and I will be doing an internal examination today before you leave to check for physical abnormalities.”

Delphine nods, “Of course.”

“Please follow me, and you can bring your wife.” Dr. Gammon comments nonchalantly, leading to an examination room down the hall. “Please undress from the waist down, I’ll be back in about five minutes to do the pelvic exam.

“Today?!” Cosima repeats, but she’s hushed to follow behind Delphine.

Dr. Gammon points to the paper blanket on the bed, before stepping out, closing the door behind him.

“I don’t like him.” Cosima tells Delphine easily as she watches her wife undress quickly from the waist down, tossing her pants and underwear over the chair before sliding onto the exam table.

“I know. I can tell, mon amour.” Delphine pulls up the paper blanket and slides her ass down to near the end of the table pre-emptively.

“You’re just going to let this middle aged dude poke around your vagina? I mean, is a pelvic exam really necessary? They’re sending you for ultrasound and blood work.” Cosima says, hands working their same old gestures.

Delphine tips her head back just enough to roll her eyes at her wife. “It is a pelvic exam, Cosima. And you will be in the room the entire time.”

“I want a different doctor. A woman.” Cosima crosses her arms.

“The wait times were longer, this was more practical. He comes highly recommended, he’s worked with lesbian couples before, he does research into best practices with IVF.”

 

“I know.” Cosima sighs, just as the door opens again. "No time like the present."  But what was wrong with waiting another year? Or even two?

 

**

Cosima leans back in the wooden muskoka chair on their deck. It’s cold, too cold really to be out here smoking, but she takes a drag from her joint anyway, before huddling herself into her coat.

She watches as the light flicks on in the kitchen, Delphine gazing out the screen door with a small smile, before grabbing the blanket from the couch and opening the screen.

“I thought you’d be out here.” Delphine settles herself down in the other wooden chair on their small deck.

“Why?” Cosima pauses to take another hit of the small joint in her hand. This habit, had taken a backseat to the rest of her life. Become something to sneak out in the yard, or on the balcony, after Charlotte had gone to bed. It sucked in winter.

“I think today was too much for you.” Delphine offers diplomatically.

She shrugs, attempting nonchalance. “You’re the one getting all the uncomfortable tests done. They’re going to flush your fallopian tubes with saline in an ultrasound. Ouch.”

“It’ll be temporary.” Delphine reasons leaning in closer to stroke a dread back from Cosima’s face. “I’m more worried about you.”

“It’s feeling more real. That’s for sure.” Cosima laughs slightly. “And I know… you prefer I just vape. I just felt like smoking tonight.”

“I know.” Delphine smiles, wrapping the blanket firmly around Cosima, over top of her coat. “Throw the blanket in the washer when you come in, and come up to bed.” Delphine makes no move to take a pull from the lit joint, or even ask. Simply turns around and goes back towards the house.

“Bed?” Cosima perks up, it wasn’t a weekend, but the shift of Delphine’s hips as she closes the door seem almost like an invitation. It’s not like sex would solve anything. But it would be good.

Instead she texts Sarah, updating her on the tests Delphine is waiting for. She at least wants to keep her sisters apprised of their fertility adventures.

Perhaps Delphine would have like blocked tubes, or endometriosis or some shit and then they could forget this baby nonsense. A few drags later, and she stubs out her joint in the ashtray.

Maybe she should've just let Delphine get the cat she wanted years ago instead of plugging her nose and making complaints about having a litter box. Maybe that would have been enough. Cosima sighs, dragging the blanket downstairs to the washing machine and tossing it in with her clothes, no sense dragging the scent of marijuana around the house, especially when Charlotte liked to have a couple friends over every few weeks.

When she gets up to bed Delphine is waiting for her, sitting up reading a book, and it’s too easy to think no more and settle herself into her arms.

 

**

When she wakes the next morning, Charlotte and Delphine are engrossed in a serious discussion at the kitchen table.

“What… what happened?” Cosima yawns, clomping her way down the stairs.

“I’m the only girl in my class who hasn’t gotten my period.” Charlotte grumbles, but she lets Delphine rub her back.

“Oh… yeah… I was like 14ish…” Cosima wiggles her fingers as she tries to remember exactly how old she was. “But.. you know we were altered, things don’t work quite right with us.”

“But Delphine is treating me.” Charlotte protests.

That much is true, Delphine drew blood from Charlotte regularly for testing, and considered additional gene therapy treatments regularly. Cosima muses, but surely the kid doesn’t want her damn period. Not this exact second.

“You know Charlotte, you know us Ledas can’t have kids other than Sarah and Helena.” Cosima states matter-of-factly.

“Well… maybe I can.” Charlotte counters, “I’m younger than you, treatments to work on my growths and whatever might be more effective.”

“She’s not wrong.” Delphine adds in. “We can look into it Charlotte, we can see if there is anything we can do. But, it may never be possible.”

The girl sniffs, huddling into Delphine’s side.

“Periods are kind of a pain. No one will think anything other than that you’re lucky to be on the later side of things.” Cosima settles herself down on Charlotte’s other side. “No one has to know anything else. “

“Actually, this is a good time to tell you.” Delphine smiles at Charlotte even as Cosima begins gaping. “Cosima and I are going to try to have a baby.”

Charlotte stops for a moment, thinking. “Delphine is going to get pregnant. Because you can't.” She looks directly at Cosima.

Cosima tries to sound positive when she responds. “We're going to try….but there is no guarantee it'll ever work. Mostly Delphine has to get uncomfortable medical tests done. “

Charlotte goes quiet again, “But I get stay with you? “

“Of course!” Delphine assures instantly. “You are part of our family Charlotte. You will always be.”

“Charlotte, you are a lot more fun than a tiny baby. We're keeping you, kiddo.” Cosima  
responds afterwards, needing to reassure her. This shouldn’t have to be Delphine’s job. They were both responsible for Charlotte.

Charlotte smiles, nodding and makes Cosima instantly envy her acceptance. Why was it when she thought of this hypothetical child as a five year old she felt fine, but as soon as she imagined a baby she panicked?

She focuses instead on hugging Charlotte, offering to take the girl to school herself. After all, no one knows Leda biology better than a Leda. And she could help Charlotte, at least in small ways.


	7. Chapter 7

“I don’t know what I am doing.” Cosima admits from her place on the couch. She’d insisted on going with Delphine for her tests. More because she felt like she should.

“I am the one who just had uncomfortable medical procedures.” Delphine reminds her, “it’s just a test. But we know now my tubes are clear, which means we won’t need IVF.”

“Why not just do it anyway?” Cosima asks. It was supposed to be more effective. Then again, did she really want Delphine trying to get pregnant by the most effective means? Or on that many artificial hormones?

“It’d be overkill. Unless I have too many problems to conceive with less intervention.” Delphine explains briefly. “It’s my body, it’d be me on all the drugs with ridiculous levels of hormones…”

“Yeah ok. That would be a lot more crying. Or raving.” Cosima nods in agreement. Their doctor had told them that he wasn’t going to give more help than they needed. Right around the time he’d handed them a pamphlet for a Canadian sperm importer.

“Do you want to look at donors yet?” Delphine asks, reaching out a hand to make contact with Cosima’s neck.

“No… I am not ready yet. Besides he said not to order anything until your results all came back.” Cosima shrugs.

“We could look. See what is available to us.” Delphine suggests softly. “There aren’t many Canadian donors because of the laws here, we could look at the banks that export to Canada.”

“Nope. Not yet.” Cosima sighs. Honestly, if they were going to go through with this whole thing she just wanted to leave that all up to Delphine.

“Alright. We’ll wait.” Delphine agrees, curling up on the couch and leaving her arms open, knowing that Cosima will crawl into her arms within minutes.

“Cozy.” Cosima mutters, sliding into her arms and flopping slightly so that her head rests on Delphine’s shoulder.

“I want to pick someone who looks like you.” Delphine tells her softly, stroking her dreads. “As much like you as possible.”

“Why?” Cosima leans back. “Why does it matter?” It’s just sperm after all. Delphine wants a kid, why should she have to help pick some random dude’s frozen jizz? Did it really matter what the guy did for a living or what he looked like? Beyond, Cosima assumed, maybe looking for general attractiveness but it all felt so… eugenical.

Delphine looks at her sadly for a moment, and she wants to push further, to ask questions, but instead they hear Charlotte’s key in the door. They both freeze instead. There is no need to burden Charlotte with any of this crap.

“I am going vegan!” Charlotte announces as soon as she slams the door behind her.

“Umm why? We’re already vegetarian…” Cosima groans. Surely, she’s aware of the environmental benefits, and the animal agriculture complex, but that is enough. Otherwise it gets way too complicated.

“Kaylee is vegan.” Charlotte tells them calmly as she gets out of her boots, and removes her scarf. “And we were watching documentaries on Netflix. And I think we should all go vegan.”

“God no…not my eskimo pies.” Cosima groans under her breath. Delphine gives her a gentle shove.

 

“We’ll talk about it, Charlotte.” Delphine calls gently, “you don’t have to eat anything you don’t want to eat.”

Charlotte nods. “Good.”

“So… what do you want for dinner?” Cosima looks Charlotte over. “I’m taking baking up a frozen lasagna is going to be a big no.”

“Definitely no.” Charlotte stands her ground, seemingly serious about this diet change.

“I think we have frozen veggie chili in the freezer. Charlotte, can you put it in the sink?” Delphine considers.

“I’ll start heating it up.” Cosima groans, shifting on the couch again.

 

“Are you two really tired?” Charlotte observes her guardians on the couch once she’s removed and put away all her winter gear. “Why is Delphine home so early? And why aren’t you working?” She looks between them as if she can suss out the answer that way.

“Another doctor’s appointment.” Delphine shrugs.

“More tests.” Cosima supplies the desired information.

“How long is this going to take?” Charlotte exclaims. “Can’t they just like give you some sperm and get it over with?”

 

“No.” Delphine responds simply. “They have to look at hormone levels, make sure that my fallopian tubes aren’t blocked. Things like that.” She summarizes it before looking over at Cosima.

“Yeah. Sperm isn’t provided. We have to order that.” Cosima sighs. How she’d gotten into this in the first place, she remembered but it was just so overwhelming.

“I’ll take care of the chili.” Charlotte sighs, stomping her way to the kitchen.

“If you want to eat vegan, you better have a list of recipes.” Cosima hollers after her, before sinking back down into the comfy fabric of their grey couch.

“Are you mad?” Delphine looks at her, hand reaching for her face.

“No…” Cosima sighs. “I guess this is what we get for alternative school in the junction.”

“I guess so.” Delphine laughs. “It doesn’t bother me. I’ll… get a recipe book or two. But… Charlotte should help with the cooking, I think.”

“Sounds fair to me.” Cosima groans. “Do you really want to look at donors?”

“Yes. We need to at least pick a bank, from one of the distributors, unless you want to order from Repromed.”

 

“You’ve been looking without me.” Cosima gleans quickly.

“Only a little. Just to know the pricing and the options.” Delphine admits. “I haven’t chosen anyone. Or even any of the banks.”

“You should. Just… get it over with.” Cosima pushes herself up to her feet. That made the most sense. Delphine was the one who wanted a baby, Delphine should just scour through profiles and pick one. End of story.

Delphine shakes her head, suddenly looking very serious. “Not without you.”

“Why?” Cosima demands impatiently. It doesn’t make sense to her. She’s letting Delphine have what she wants. She’s going with the flow. Acquiescing, something she knows she’s never done well. Something Delphine manages to do with grace, again and again.

“Because I only want this with you!” Delphine reiterates, eyes watering as her voice cracks softly.

Cosima cannot think of a thing to do other than to gather her wife in her arms, to try to stem her tears as she kisses her cheeks.

She has to care, Cosima realizes. She has to try to care about all of it. Or it’ll never work.

**

“Did we have to make this appointment so soon.” Cosima shifts nervously beside Delphine in a small waiting area down the hall of one part of the fertiliy clinic.

“It was easy to get an appointment with the reproductive psychologist.” Delphine reminds her.

“I know, but we haven’t picked a donor yet. And why do we have to talk to a psychologist just because we’re gay. It’s discriminatory. They don’t make straight couples do this.” Cosima whines under her breath, but the truth is she feels like a fraud. She’ll get caught and that’ll be the end of this journey.

“Delphine Cormier? Cosima Niehaus?” An older woman in a well fitting blazer emerges from a room at the end of the hall. “I’m Dr. Perrault, please come in.”

Delphine nods, and pulls her into the room by the hand. One side is filled with bookshelves filled with what appear to be psychology and parenting books. A desk sits against one wall along with a comfortable office chair and two squishy looking armchairs opposite a coffee table.

“Take a seat.” Dr. Perrault gestures. “So, let’s have a chat about artificial insemination. But first, how long have the two of you been together?”

“About four years.” Delphine smiles happily.

“Good… good. So you’re an established couple.” Dr. Perrault scrubbles down some notes. “And you’ve decided to start your family…”

“Well,” Cosima speaks up, “technically, we have custody of my 13 year old sister… so we’re already kind of living the family life.”

“Oh!” Dr. Perrault jolts slightly, “and now one of you is going to try to get pregnant.”

“Delphine is.”

“Yes… Cosima has problems. I am the only option between us.” Delphine explains as much as necessary.

“So. Let’s talk sperm donors… and I am not going to ask the two of you why you’re using one.” Dr. Perrault laughs at her own joke.

“Cosima can’t get me pregnant.” Delphine deadpans, clearly unamused.

“Obviously, so have you picked a donor?” The psychologist prompts.

“No.” Delphine responds honestly. “We’ve looked, selected a bank because Cosima doesn’t want ‘hick sperm’ from the southern states. There are a few possibles.”

“Delphine is unexpectedly CMV negative.” Cosima explains, wanting to leave her own reasoning out of it. “It has slowed us down. But we’re working on it.”

“Good. And ID Release? Anonymous?” Dr. Perrault prompts them again.

“Definitely ID Release.” Delphine responds. “If the child wants to request information, they should have that option.

“I agree. More information the kid can have the better.” Cosima considers her response only after speaking. Would the kid be obsessed with their origins?

The psychologist sighs happily. “I love working with lesbians. And single women. You never want to lie to your children and it makes my job so much easier.”

She wants to laugh, but she tries to mirror Delphine’s expression instead. She doesn’t want to ruin this for the both of them. They need the psychologist to sign off before they can begin treatment.

“Now, when you pick a donor. You have to remember the kid will ask ‘why him?’ so you should have answers. Like, did you think he was a nice person? Things like that.” Dr. Perrault pauses, noticing Delphine jotting down a few notes.

“Now, children of lesbian couples tend to identify with their mothers. They see the donor as extra. So … they might grow up and say they’re most like the sister of the nonbiological mother for example. So don’t worry that the child won’t bond with you.” Dr. Perrault looks kindly at Cosima.

“Now… here’s how to tell a kid that they are donor conceived… starting from the beginning. And remember, ‘donors are people who help lots of families have babies’.” Dr. Perrault launches into her, clearly well-rehearsed spiel. And all Cosima can do is sit there. Her motivations totally unexamined, while Delphine…takes notes.

 

**

 

She watches her wife staring at the laptop, late after Charlotte has already gone to bed.

Cosima has her doubts Charlotte is already asleep, but at least there’s that.

“What are you doing?”

“Looking for a sperm donor from one of the banks you said was ‘OK’.” Delphine answers matter-of-factly. “Can you look at these two?”

Cosima looks at the tabs, sighing. They’re both dark-haired science students. One premed. Nothing...interesting.

“I think… we should pick someone different from us.” Cosima guides Delphine to one of the profiles she’d been looking at.

Delphine turns to face her. “Have you even looked without me?”

“A little look at this one. Hazel eyes, brown hair, fair skin, mixed European ancestry… he was a cute kid and… the staff call him very attractive.” Cosima points through the profile. “And an animal lover who does 3D animation. He’s not super young either. I mean…I think we should consider him.”

“He’s not… one of the science students.” Delphine comments calmly. “I thought we wanted someone like us.” A child like us, Cosima theorizes, is what Delphine really wants. But growing up with two academic mothers, and a geology and prehistory obsessed live-in teenage aunt is… enough. Probably.

“I mean, I don’t know if I really trust these banks, whose to say they’re not just labeling random sperm as from a PhD candidate or inflating test scores.” Cosima shrugs.

“Intelligence is supposedly x-linked anyway.” Delphine tilts her head as she considers this. “Put him on the list.”

“Really?” Cosima grins.

“I want you to have the final say here, Cosima. We’ll review the rest of his profile and answers. OK?” Delphine probes the profile for a few minutes.

“OK.” Cosima nods. “I want this one.”

Delphine closes the laptop, sliding it off the bed. She’s reached for and kissed, intensely. Her wife’s hands roaming her body, Delphine lips insistently pressing against her own..

“It isn’t really about the donor, is it?” Cosima murmurs between kisses.

“No… it doesn’t matter. As long as it’s with you.” Delphine whispers back. “I have only ever wanted this with you.”

That much, sets something going deep in her chest. Pushing her to pull back layers, to kiss down Delphine’s belly, burying her own face between her wife’s legs.

It’s only when she’s tasting her, Cosima completely forgets her fear. Her reluctance. She has Delphine. As her wife. Under her tongue. Everything she wanted. Enjoying the squirming of her lover under her tongue, her hands clinging to dreads and quivering under her.

“Je t’aime.” Delphine husks, shaking under her. “This is ours, Cosima. If we do this, it’ll be all ours.”

Cosima grins, humming. She’s starting to believe her.


	8. Chapter 8

She should be the nervous one, Delphine thinks, watching Cosima’s eyes dart around the waiting room as she clutches her hand. The room is painted a calm shade of grey, and set up in such a way to ease anxiety as television screens advertise various fertility treatments and services. It probably doesn’t help, Delphine realizes looking around, that they are the only same-sex couple in the waiting room.

“Are you sure you want to do this...today?” Cosima mumbles under her breath.

“I am surging, Cosima, I will ovulate today, now...is the time.” Delphine responds patiently, stroking her wife’s hand. That Cosima had somehow managed to wait to panic until insemination day would never cease to surprise her.

Cosima throws out another inane question. “What if they fuck up the donor number?”

“They triple check it, with us.” Delphine sighs. “It’s thawing now. It’s a little late to back out.” It’s not that she doesn’t feel concern for Cosima, not even that she isn’t anxious herself. But it is simply too late to cancel the insemination. Although she finds herself wondering if she is the selfish one now.

“I know.” Cosima squirms in her seat some more. “It’s only like a 20% chance of success, right?”

“Yes, that is the success rate per month under the age of 35.” Delphine answers dryly.

“Delphine?” A nurse opens one of the doors, and beckons to her.

“Come on.” Delphine stands, reaching behind her to grip Cosima’s hand and pull her along. “You’re coming with me.”

Cosima, for her part, doesn’t protest anyway. Instead her wife lets her pull her along, even managing a weak smile for the nurse.

She pulls Cosima into the treatment room, and once again is asked to verify the vial number, before the nurse steps out giving instructions to undress below the waist and climb onto the table.

“Are you sure you want to do this?” Cosima asks weakly as she’s sliding her skinny jeans and panties down her legs.

“Yes.” Delphine responds definitively. “I’m sorry, Cosima. But I am not cancelling an IUI the morning of.” The guilt, oh she feels that. But it’s not like she can back out now without the clinic thinking she’s insane. Especially with how expensive frozen donor sperm can be.

“I know… I don’t really expect you to. It probably won’t even work.” Cosima paces as Delphine settles herself under the paper sheet on the table, scooting down the end as she prepares to put her own legs in stirrups.

“All ready in here?” The nurse calls again. “My name is Audrey, I’ll be doing your IUI today.”

“Yes.” Delphine responds as Cosima finally settles herself down the in chair.

“Cosima… hold my hand.” Delphine demands softly, as the nurse readies the speculum for insertion.

“It’ll be a bit uncomfortable.” The nurse warns.

It’s not an understatement, the speculum is uncomfortable and it takes a minute to locate her cervix.

Cosima sits silently, clutching at her hand, simply humming at the nurse when she directs a pleasant question towards the two of them.

The catheter burns slightly, but in seconds the IUI is done. As she expected it would be.

“And that’s it!” Audrey announces happily. “So, you two sit tight for a while, think positively, and we’re done.” The nurse withdraws the speculum and the catheter, disposing of the latter, and setting the speculum aside for sterilization.

“That’s it?” Cosima looks at them.

Delphine nods from her position on the exam table. “Yes.”

 

“It is a very quick procedure, and hopefully you’ll be mommies soon!” Audrey grins. “Delphine, stay laying down for at least fifteen minutes, and then the two of you are free to go.”

The nurse steps out, leaving them alone. But Delphine doesn’t move, doesn’t release Cosima’s hand. Though she now realizes Cosima’s support in this is likely a farce. Had she simply been deluding herself into thinking Cosima wanted this too? Or… at least that Cosima wanted to be supportive of her desires? Is it naive to believe that Cosima would inevitably love any child she could give birth to?

Cosima breaks the silence, after a couple minutes. “How are you feeling?”

 

“Like I just had my cervix pinched by a speculum and a catheter pushed through it.” Delphine sighs, reaching up to nudge Cosima’s cheek with a smile.

“Does it hurt?”

“A little… I’ll be fine. Risks of infection from IUI are very low.” Delphine smiles again when Cosima leans her head down close.

“I know…” Cosima kisses her cheek, and then the corner of her mouth. The affection hasn’t changed, at least.

“Hey… Je t’aime.” She tries reassuring her wife. Unsure if it will work. Unsure if Cosima wants it to. Or if her wife is begging the universe for the opposite.

**

Delphine lays down when they arrive home, covering herself on the couch and reaching for the latest book she’s reading.

“Are you feeling OK?” Cosima leans over.

“Fine. Bit… pinchy. But… I think that is from the speculum. It’ll go away.” Delphine sighs, trying to get lost in her book, lose herself in the narrative.

“So…” Cosima sits awkwardly beside her wife on the sliver of couch left for her.

“So?” Delphine throws back, she won’t have their entire home consumed by this awkwardness.

“Do you think it will work?” Cosima gestures it out before leaning back.

“I don’t know. We’ll know in about two weeks.” Delphine leans back into Cosima, reaching up a hand towards her wife’s face, just so she knows she’s not mad.

Cosima swallows, looking down at her for a moment, letting her own hand reach for her face, as it has so many time. “I love you.”

She kisses Cosima’s hand, the book temporarily forgotten. Perhaps, being held, is what they both need.

**

They have sort of settled back into normality, Cosima muses, whatever the hell that is for them anyway. Charlotte has her friend Kaylee over frequently, they browse Netflix and squeal and try to get Cosima to play board games with them. Delphine works, and does 80% of the cooking, and hasn’t mentioned the IUI or the possible baby at all. Even a week later.

She’s loading up the dishwasher, letting Delphine get some marking and some quiet upstairs while the girls play some sort of game in the living room. Whatever it is, Cosima thinks to herself, it won’t get finished. The doorbell rings, and she quickly dries her hands to make her way to the door.

“Hi Cosima.” Kaylee’s mother smiles at her.

“Hey Maureen.” Cosima waves, “I take it you’re here for your daughter.” Even knowing she looks young, she feels like a teenager next to Maureen who must be in her mid-forties. 

“OK, Kaylee, your mom is here. Time to go home.” Cosima calls from the door, watching the sandy-haired child leap to her feet, give Charlotte a hug and half-jog towards the door.

“Bye!” Charlotte smiles at her friend.

“We’ll do this again soon.” Maureen nods. “I’m thinking we should have Charlotte for a sleepover sometime soon. After school ends for the year.”

“Sounds good to me.” Cosima responds. A night without Charlotte, Cosima thinks to herself, would have definite advantages.

“Where’s Delphine?” Charlotte looks around the ground floor of their house.

“She’s marking stuff. You better get yourself ready for bed, it’s a school night.” Cosima reminds her little sister. “Come on, upstairs you go.”

 

Charlotte climbs the stairs without protest, and within minutes she hears the shower go on. A sign that the girl has begun her bedtime routine which will no doubt end with more bedtime reading than recommended. Then again, had she really been that different herself?

Cosima finishes cleaning up the kitchen, letting out a sigh she climbs up the stairs after Charlotte. Taking a look towards her own little office, she considers working on her dissertation.

She manages an hour, pouring over her latest unfinished chapter and remarking that she can no longer locate two of the sources she cited. When she finally climbs up to the third floor extension, Delphine isn’t at her desk. Instead she finds her wife passed out on the bed next to a laptop. Cosima closes Delphine’s computer and returns it to her wife’s desk.

With a grin, she strips down next to the bed, leaving her clothes on the floor, knowing that it’ll annoy her poor wife half to death.

Cosima reaches over Delphine, grazing her fingers tenderly up her hip. She scoots in to begin enthusiastically kissing her wife’s neck only to be met with an annoyed groan.

“Non…” Delphine gently swats her off.

“No?” Cosima finds herself balking for a moment. She could count on one hand the number of times Delphine had ever said no to her.

“I’m not in the mood.” Delphine grumbles, “not now, mon amour.”

“Really?” Cosima tries nibbling on her wife’s ear, only to be met with a second swat.

“Just come to bed and cuddle.” Delphine invites sleepily. “Come hold me.”

It doesn’t have to mean anything, Cosima tells herself. Delphine is probably just tired. It’s been a long week.


	9. Chapter 9

Cosima looks over at her wife, cozied on their couch, probably trying to distract herself from incoming tests results. Their test results. Cosima reiterates to herself, theirs. And it’s terrifying. She doesn’t want to share her suspicions with Delphine, Delphine certainly hasn’t said anything one way or another. But, her wife’s period hasn't shown up yet either. And maybe that was evidence enough.

“What are you reading?”

“Dr. Michel Odent.” Delphine looks up from her book, which doesn’t appear to be a novel.

“Again?” Cosima shakes her head. Who was this French doctor guy anyway? It didn’t look like immunology, but who knows.

“Oui.” Delphine shifts position subtly, and continues to read.

“It’s not immunology.”

“Non. It’s not.” Delphine sighs, putting her book down. “But it is of great interest to me right now.”

“OK.” Cosima resolves to google this French doctor, hopefully there’s at least one or two English language results. The fact that this Dr. Odent is an OBGYN, albeit a somewhat eccentric one doesn’t escape her. Her eyes bug out enough reading the Wikipedia entry.

“Cosima… just try to relax,” Delphine reads her correctly, putting down the book and pulling her into a hug. “It will be OK.”

“I know… I know it will.” Cosima shrugs dramatically, drawing one moving hand towards their faces. “I just… I hate the uncertainty. And really… I will be a shit parent.”

“We don’t have the results back. And you are not a shit parent. Ask Charlotte. She’ll tell you.” Delphine comforts her wife with a kiss to the temple and then the cheek.

“I mean…I didn’t want to be raising Charlotte either. That wasn’t the plan you know? My plan was always… just the two of us.” Cosima spins her fingers, still rationalizing.

“And now?” Delphine asks, swallowing and pulling her in tighter.

“I wouldn’t trade our life. You know that… and I guess I have to believe that… I’ll adjust again.” Cosima offers nervously. A talking running older child isn’t a scary thought. Only a baby is, and that phase will go quickly. So said Alison and Sarah anyway.

The phone ringing interrupts them, and Delphine jumps up immediately to answer it.

“Yes? Really? Thank you…” Delphine grins into the phone, that much she can see from here. “And… you will call back to schedule that? Is that necessary? Alright. Thank you.”

“And?”

“Beta is 562. We’re pregnant.” Delphine announces happily, before allowing concern to creep back into her face.

“Who gets pregnant the first try?” Cosima shakes her head, knowing that her wife’s uterus must be as much of an overachiever as Delphine is.

Delphine merely responds, “We do.” Ensuring to include her in this, that Cosima is a part of this.

“I don’t know what to do with babies.” Cosima whines.

“You’ll learn. We’ll learn together.” Delphine grips her hands reassuringly, “We have approximately 36 weeks to get ready.”

 

“Umm isn’t pregnancy like 40 weeks?” That much she knew, she wasn’t completely ignorant after all. Then it was all from media. Incredibly horny or cranky pregnant women, swelling feet, screaming in labour. Water breaking and mad rushes to the hospital. Though, Cosima assumed that much was dramatized for better television.

“They count from my last period. We could go calculate the due date from that?” Delphine offers.

“Not today?” Cosima asks gently.

“Alright. Do you want to get a late lunch, to celebrate?” Delphine suggests.

“OK… Let’s go.” Cosima nods, making her way to the door, this was theirs after all. And this was the least she could do.

“I should call the local midwifery clinics… If we want a midwife. Otherwise, it will be difficult to get in.”

“But...like… you’re barely pregnant.” Cosima blinks. “Midwife? Like…”

“Like certified nurse midwife, the norm in most countries around the world for the majority of births.” Delphine informs her calmly. “Not so much in France, though Dr. Odent would change that…”

“I’m sure… Indian? Thai? One of the other vegetarian places?” Cosima lists of types of cuisine as she gathers her belongings. One thing was certain, they did need to celebrate.

“Just something vegetarian. You choose, Cosima.” Delphine offers with a smile. “It doesn’t feel real yet. It just… I have a hard time believing it’s real. Pregnant.” Delphine lets out a little giggle.

“Me too. But… I am sure it will sink in eventually.” Cosima finishes readiying herself. “You make your call, I’ll figure out where we’re going.”

“Sounds good.” Delphine hums, giving her a quick kiss before picking up her smartphone to run a search.

This… this was it. Cosima thought to herself. Now what?

**

“I think it’ll be cool. Other than the crying. If the baby cries a lot.” Charlotte muses to herself, leaning in to take another bite of her homemade veggie burger.

“These are good.” Cosima admits, this recipe had been absolutely worthwhile.

“Mmmhmm. It was highly recommended.” Delphine grins, helping herself to some extra pickles with her burger.

Cosima tilts her head across the table at her wife. “Isn’t it early for pickle cravings?”

 

“This is not a craving, Cosima. I just like them.” Delphine shrugs it off, returning her attention to her dinner, taking a large forkful of the broccoli slaw they’d made.

“It doesn’t really matter,” Charlotte interrupts, “soon I’ll be off for the summer. Delphine won’t even have the baby until what… March?”

“Probably March.” Delphine nods, seemingly capable of running the internal calculations in her head.

Cosima sighs softly, returning her attention to ehr dinner. She still can’t even wrap her mind around the fact Delphine is pregnant. Though, it hadn’t even been a day. Perhaps the surreal feeling would fade in time. Maybe by the time Delphine started puking, or when she started to show. But that would be… months away? Cosima tries to think. Her lack of interest in pregnancy and infants had left a big gap in her knowledge base. It would have to be remedied, and soon.

“How are you feeling?” Cosima asks carefully once Charlotte has gone to bed. The chaos of their late supper cleared away, and Delphine leaning against the counter sipping a mug of tea.

“I am fine… well, the same. Tired maybe.” Delphine sighs, placing her mug in the sink. “I think I’ll head to bed.”

 

“I’ll join you soon,” Cosima promises, she might as well check for emails from her advisor before putting her dissertation to bed for the night. How the hell would she ever manage to finish it with a screaming baby? Would the baby scream? Would it look like Delphine? Or would it grow up to be some awful dude-bro? What the hell had they gotten into?

Bed proves too great a draw, and she strips, wiggling out of her tight leggings before sliding herself under the duvet next to her wife.

“Hey.” Cosima leans in with an intense kiss, quickly working Delphine’s mouth with her own, until it opens, until she can slide her own tongue in to join Delphine’s. She pushes on top of Delphine with another kiss.

Delphine yawns in response, seemingly unable to be roused in this way.

“Don’t you want to…. It’s been a while… and we might as well get it while we can.” Cosima adds cheekily.

“Cosima…” Delphine breathes, stroking her cheek.

Cosma prods again, laying an open mouthed kiss to a bare shoulder. “Yes?”

“I don’t want sex.” Delphine admits finally, at least having the sense to look apologetic. “I do not feel well. I just have no desire right now.”

“OK.” Cosima replies, knowing her lip has started to quiver. This is her fear after all, Delphine no longer wanting her. Delphine changing too much.

“Je t’aime.” Delphine emphasizes, “but I do not feel well.. Come cuddle me instead.”

It’s cuddling her wife until she falls asleep Cosima realizes, her life may change a lot more than she thinks, far more quickly. What would it be when the dust settled again?


End file.
